I didn't realize that it had been so long since I updated this blog. My recovery continues at a slow pace, but it has now been almost 11 and a half years, so I'm just thankful that there is still ANY kind of progress/improvement, no matter how slow and small.
About two years ago, I really started to feel (or rather, PAY ATTENTION TO) a pull on my heart. Words and phrases were being shown to me, that I recognized as words i had said in the telling (and re-telling and re-telling) of my story
Over the past 11+ years, through everything that has gone on, I've heard the same things from so many people... telling me, "You're so lucky," You're so strong", "You're so brave.","I don't know how you do it,"You inspire me"...All wonderful sentiments, for sure. Who wouldn't want to be told those things? It helped in a way, especially during those early months that were so very hard. The problem is, that on some level, I started to believe that I had done it all on my own. (As I went through and re-read my previous posts here, several times I wrote about how I was strong, or how I figured things out or I did this or that, etc. It took a long time, even YEARS, before I began to understand that if anyone saw even an ounce of strength or courage in me, that it came from God alone. On my own I was (and still am) just a scared, weak, broken, messed up woman. I would say that, at the time of my stroke, and even for quite some time after, I was, at most, a believer in its most basic form, but I was not a Christian. I was not looking for God, I had no real concept of who He even was or what He would want with someone like me. But He was there. I didn't know it then, and it even took me years afterwards to really know it, but I'm convinced of it now. As far as I'm concerned, there's no other explanation for any of the events that took place, not just "that day", but also in the weeks, months and years that have followed. All thanks and glory to HIM.
